Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
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Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Buying houses is mental
Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined
Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants
Not allowed to speak to the owner
Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
Wait….making the right choices is an option?!
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready