Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
some things should go without saying
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.