Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You Might Also Like
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents