Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart