Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
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how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
My boyfriend is trying to teach me how to play dark souls right now and it feel like when your dad is trying to do your math homework with you while you cry at the kitchen table
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
The struggle is real
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.