“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
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My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
i hate the toilet paper math where the package says like “6 ROLLS = 33 ROLLS!” No it doesn’t.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:
“Oui-ners”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame