Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
where the womens at?
How can I say no to this ?