Draw me like one of your French Fries.
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OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Hamburger Hinderer.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
それは草
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.