Draw me like one of your French Fries.
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Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
True freaking story!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
Sometimes, when he’s really pissed me off, I like to log into his Netflix account and rate every romantic teen drama five stars.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Olympic athlete: *does something unbelievable*
Announcer: That’s incredible! It’s too bad her father fell down a well 15 years ago
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.