draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
When I can’t barge, I careen.
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Ron is short for Aaronald
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.