draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!