This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
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(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
You learn something every day
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Every damn time
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms