draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
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my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.