“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
This could’ve been an email.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.