“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.