Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
everyone’s blaming media illiteracy for ppl mistaking poo crave for pop crave but babe that’s just regular illiteracy 😓
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Jail
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under no circumstances will my brother take the L
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Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?