Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think I might have a shower.

*checks*

Yes, I have a shower.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive

edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO

When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…

I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.

I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.

My favorite farside!!

Your soulmate is too smart to date you

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

you don’t understand, mom, those are my emotional support boxes of miscellaneous junk that I need to store unopened in your basement for somewhere between 3 and 35 years

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?

Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck

Me: Fine, don’t tell me.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.

I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me