Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
mumsnet is amazing
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“