Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?

Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Just did a big green poo by a canal

One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.

I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.

The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist

Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked

Me: You weren’t worried?

Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers

Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail

my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.