Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
Just me?
If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please