Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
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quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Unimpressed
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.