Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
You Might Also Like
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
but that was my emotional support daylight
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?