Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence

Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.

This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.

My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants

I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…

Me: No.

My kids: She didn’t say yes so we better ask again.