Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just me?

HER: Let’s do some role playing

ME: Okay, be ur sister

HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..

ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.

I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.

6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*

Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.

12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*

Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??

12: I…uh…..*runs away*

No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.

Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

Duolingo getting serious.

I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.

Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?

Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?

14:

Me:

14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.

*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

nature’s most graceful animal

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

[making small talk with a new parent] so are you planning on raising them good or bad?

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s

I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?

him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous