Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
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Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
the three branches of government
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-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
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Yes, but it was never about money
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My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot