Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017

sumtimes i go 2 hard tho

I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.

When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

If it’s a leap year, you should get an extra day at the end of the year when you need it. Not in February. Who needs an extra day of February

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?

Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really

Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please

King Solomon: *sweating*

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.

Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks

Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean

[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.

Problem solved.

They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

*puts my mental health in rice

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.

Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.

Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.