Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.

Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.

DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again

“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?

[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]

me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit

her: that’s not so bad

[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luck

her: I see

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.

It tastes nothing like bourbon btw

New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herself

Punctuation, it’s THAT important!

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.