*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
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Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Air pods looking like an angry frog
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.