*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
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He just like my cat fr
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’m listening
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.