*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
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Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?