Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.