I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
* draws blood
Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five
ME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!
Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful