* draws blood

Blood: No, no, no. That doesn’t look like me at all.

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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires


why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt


ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself


Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!

Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around


A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”


Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]


Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.


My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.


Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex


[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful