*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance