*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
still the best tweet of the year by far
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.