@Lisabug74

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

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@CornOnTheGoblin

“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher

@cravin4

You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.

–Psycho Therapy

@PeachyPixel8

Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?

@GuyConfused

I don’t mind meeting her parents. It’s her husband I have always been avoiding.

@calluptome

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

@KyleMcDowell86

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

@roxiqt

I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.

@IziBoy121

I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.

@UncleDuke1969

*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper

“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”

*sighs
*leaves