*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

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The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.


Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.


Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.


Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*


You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.


PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted


*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly


me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]


Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.