@Lisabug74

*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*

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@envydatropic

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

@LizHackett

Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.

@KentWGraham

Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.

@_Awwsomeness_

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

@kimtopher22

You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.

@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

@MelvinofYork

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

@tweetsbyrocket

me: what’s a palindrome

teacher: racecar

{10 years later}

me: [bursting out of bank in ski mask] where’s the palindrome

getaway driver: [sitting in kayak]

@realHamOnWry

Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.