*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
My purse is deeper than some people.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.