*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
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*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
If you watch the Fast & Furious series in reverse, it’s about tough guys who have a change of heart and return stolen cars and decide to scale back their dangerous stunts to more sensible, low-budget ones and they all become youthful and more relaxed because of the lowered stress
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄