Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened

How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅

not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

Sing it!

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel

3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.

Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard