*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
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How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Meow
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.