*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
You Might Also Like
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
We’ve all been there…
Make new friends? bro out of what?
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend