Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.

Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.

Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.

Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.

So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.

girlfriend: we need to talk

me: ok what’s up

girlfriend: I’m pregnant

me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO

I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.

Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.

Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside

Her: you mean bees?

[loud thud on the window]

Me: get the gun

Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾

[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”

If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.

My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

Just my luck I get a hypnotist with pink eye.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?