Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶

Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?

Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

* see weird traffic pattern

* turns down radio

* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole

* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

I am having an out of money experience.

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.

do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge