*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
LOL
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse