*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got engaged, broke up, married other people, had children, reunited, got married, broke up again, and I’ve been single that whole time.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??