Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A family that plays together cheats.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

Me: I’m so bored.

Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?

Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

“Daddy, what happens when we die?”

“You get married and have kids”

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “Make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity

“I’d do okay in prison,” I say, absently wiping down the lid of a soup can because a rat may have scampered across it somewhere in the supply chain

“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”

– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]

Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.

When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.