Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…

Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.

Elephant 911: What’s ur em-

Elephant: MOUSE

Elephant 911: WHERE

Elephant: FLOOR

Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE

[table breaking noises]

Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?

GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison

Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience

I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”

I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor

*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”

Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter