Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.

Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.

M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.

i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved

[Club]

Him: You want to dance?

Her: *Giggling* Ok

Him: *Scowling* Well go on then

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!

ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…

that people can’t tell who I am

“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –

Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…

Me: yeah

First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car

podiatrist: let’s take a look

Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?

Hey, is that guy dead?

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

[At microphone]

*clears throat*

“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”

*crowd cheers*

“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter: