dream blunt rotation
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
when she block me on everything
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.