Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building

Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.

Wife: London. He means London.

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

DATE: Wtf are you doing?

ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.

[flashback to 1st date]

*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn

Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?

Let’s see her walk backward.

Now diagonally.

Cha-cha real smooth.

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Me: Do you like my new negligé?

Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?

Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.

ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.

We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over. 

But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.

Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.

*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience

A woman drives into a bar.

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all

What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?

Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.