Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

ME: i’m depressed

FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better

ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked

Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.

Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”

[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5

My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel

Sometimes, I’m impatient and intolerant.

But other times, I’m sleeping.

Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.

A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.

Henry: mom did you know that criminals can go to heaven?
Me: yes like if they believe in Jesus and ask him for forgiveness?
Henry: no like if they break in

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick

Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom