DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
