DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
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No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
Brother?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”