DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
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therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
These aliens are taking forever.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again