DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
At least he brought enough for everyone
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
