Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

[stranded on Mars]

me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days

me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None – it’s a hardware problem.

*Jumps on bandwagon*

Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend

[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]

“Ptequila, pthanks.”

guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy

guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop

Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.

Don’t do drugs, kids.

The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*

Me: why do I keep doing this, lol

*opens twitter*

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.