Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
Dreaming you’re peeing can be a very dangerous dream.
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If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Normal people: Sunday….
Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.
[spiders pour into room]
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.