Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
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Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Generation gap…
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!