@wesjohnson8

Dreaming you’re peeing can be a very dangerous dream.

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@david8hughes

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

@GabbbarSingh

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

@Cpin42

Realizing his terrible mistake, Judas bitterly hurled his half-eaten Klondike bar into the sea.

@DearAuntAbby

If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.

@Vice_Queen

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

@realesttobi

“What’s today?”

Normal people: Sunday….

Motivational speakers: Today is Monday waiting to happen.

@pleatedjeans

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

@FeverFlave

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

@SirEviscerate

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.