Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Dreaming you’re peeing can be a very dangerous dream.
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You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!
My infamous last words to my wife
Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I don’t understand bow ties. What, is your neck a gift?
My new monthly budget
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”