@wesjohnson8

Dreaming you’re peeing can be a very dangerous dream.

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@bartandsoul

You know who makes the best spaghetti? My mother!

My infamous last words to my wife

@Mr_Kapowski

Do girls that make duck faces in pictures walk in a V formation at the mall?

@rad_milk

GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@matny

I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.

@tanklesbian

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

@datguyryry

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

@InternetHippo

[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”