Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.

Me: Thanks for taking the time

Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?

[runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit

But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once

A woman drives into a bar.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.

[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”

[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*

*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*

I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

Doctor: how did you hurt your back?

Me: well, I was lying in bed …

Doctor: and?

Me: that’s it

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up