Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]

Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”

Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins

God: you’re a cuttlefish.

Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.

God: that’s not what I meant.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.

Cuttlefish: for hugs?

God: [sigh] no not for hugs.

Cuttlefish: oh.

God: also you’re venomous.

Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined

Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*

I have 2 kids?!

Boy never ceases to amaze me

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.