Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
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I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.