Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.

I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

Oh, you like Thanksgiving?

Name 3 pilgrims.

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST

You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.

I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…

I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.

“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”

my roommate is freaked out.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.

Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

Nigella has gone too far this time.

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.

Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.

Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!

Me: um, ok

[1 hour later]

Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night

Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…