Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’

[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

Me: I miss the good old days

Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?

M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit

W: I despise you

It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

[inventing vampire weaknesses]

writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night

writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?

writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!

writer 2: we’re crushing this

[5 hours later]

writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside

writer 2: garlic

I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.

My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.

Not at all I replied.

Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.

Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand

“How do you do, fellow birds?”

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

COP: Can you describe your attacker?

ME: No

COP: Didn’t you see him?

ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.

I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”

The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.

Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.

neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat