Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
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Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
