Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genie: I will grant you one wish

Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind

Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

People pay for feet pics on the internet

Bigfoot: I’m listening

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking

[before sex]

ME: Did you notice I waxed?

WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows

[wedding day]

fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer

me: but he’s my best friend

[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?

Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

[when i was a kid]

DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you

[today]

MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot

ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]

[Waking up]

Me to me: I see my assassin failed.

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter