Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
You Might Also Like
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
My dating profile:
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?