Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
One of these days, the Roomba mothership will send out a signal and none of us will have toes.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don鈥檛 need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I鈥檒l take 10 then.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they鈥檙e actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That鈥檚 What I Call Music! 4
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Me: 馃幍 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 馃幍 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
It’s funny to me when someone obviously just learned a new word. My friend said “penultimate” like 3 times tonight. A plethora of times. Like, an absolute plethora. He kept saying it too, making an even bigger plethora.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you鈥檙e jumping into a pool without the pool.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.