Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
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*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Childbirth is so beautiful
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
