Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
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Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Produce goes bad three times faster when you’re the one who paid for it. It’s science!
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Thursday
It was my idea to make parking meters unreadable when the sun is out. I don’t get any money out of it, but I’m proud of my contribution.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
seems like a niche market
