Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [watching football]

Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]

Announcer: That was a huge sack!

Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.

As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?

How to handle a one night stand the next morning:

1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it

Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.

We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

seems like a niche market

me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri

°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.