“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
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surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.