Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.