Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever