Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Here’s a meme