Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.

A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.

Guess he was lucky

*puts on sunglasses*

It was a soft drink

#FFFC

I get it fish, my body is also beer battered

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs

peter: w-what

jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now

john: are you ok

peter: jesus you seem a little… off

jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?

Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist

There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family

I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.

I’m not making a lot of progress.

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

Me: This relationship feels very transactional.

Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney