Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
A dead goose is called a ghoost
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Oh my god
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.