Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.