“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
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Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room