“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
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“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
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Good morning
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Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.